nicola_pixie

Well i Have been busy all week adjusting to my life and its direction. I have alot of big changes coming up in the very near future. AFter a long time of figuring things out consulting with the owner , etc.. It is finally been confirmed that I will be moving in with my best friend. I am very scared because I have never been completely on my own before. Especially not with another person to be responsible for. It will be a good experience for me though. I figured this much. Well, on another note. I came down with this awful cold this week. It has totally been kicking my ass. And I am sitting here at work literally struggling to stay conscious and not just pass out at my desk due to weakness and exhaustion. Well I have been informed that it comes with motherhood I guess. Anyway I am sure evrything will work out for the best in the end. It always does.

Well I admit it. I absolutely hate politics. I usually couldn't care less about what color lip gloss I would put on during work if I were bored. Clear or Clear. I will say this. I THINK BUSH IS AN ABSOLUTE DUD!! And I would like to think our country would know better then to vote an erratic airhead into office simply because his father already claimed the seat for however long it was.

So, for the first time in I dont know how long I got up at six o clock in the morning and voted for Obama. I have been keeping up to date on politics for the first time in my life and I believe that he has the right idea. Spreading the wealth, universal health care, etc. And for the first time ever. The guy I voted for actually won!! It really makes me happy and gives me ammo to vote again in the next primary election. My vote really does count!! It is nice to know. And on one final not THe Prop 102 thing. Shame! Shame! Shame!! Gays should have the same right as everybody else to wear a band on their fingers. What makes all heteros so special. Honestly??

A song that reminds someone very special of me and who I am. You know who you are. I personally take it as a compliment. It is a song I have grown to love. I just wish I could download it or find it on you tube....Grrr...




Gnarls Barkley
A Little Better lyrics
Send "A Little Better" Ringtone to Cell Phone
Now I can sing you the storyline
And If you like my story fine
But ain’t none of the glory mine
See my life was a lonely one
And I was dear mama’s only son
With no idea what I’m gon’ become
And I didn’t have long to know
That you don’t have to be grown to go
I could have died so long before
Then I finally saw the sign
And I made it on down the line
One step at a time

I feel better
I can smile at it now, I feel better
Oooh better
And even a little is still better
Oh have mercy on me

Ooh it’s probably plain to see
That I got a whole lotta pain in me
And it will always remain in me
So cold it’s a crying shame
Yea here I am trying again
Cuz I refuse to die in pain
The circumstances put soul in me
And there ain’t no holding me
I have a heart made of gold in me
Can you believe this is where I’ve been
And when adversity comes again
I’ll deal with it then

I feel better
I can laugh at it now, I feel better
Oooh better
And even a little is still better
Oh have mercy on me

I say everythings fine, You can take your time
With what be on your mind, If you knew you was dying
I would wanna just feel this one more time
I say everythings fine ,Take your time
With what be on your mind, If you knew you was dying
I would wanna just feel this one more time yea

(I wanna thank…)

I have not been on her ein quite some time reason being I lost my password for this profile but as you can see I have found it!! Hooray!! Well I am currently five months pregnant with my son Vincent. To say the least life has dramatically changed for me. I have taken to the life of A Sober non smoker and most say iot leaves me with seldom to do and no way to spend my weekends. All my cute outfits no longer fit me which has saddened me. I decided to make a few differences for the time being so I have currently done the following, I have currently left my job at Ulta for several different reasons, including the environment was taking its toll on my mental stability and sanity, so I am currently looking for New Work and have gotten quite a few hits already. Also a possible interview for the Sears Corporate Office next week and a possible second interview witht the Az Republic. I have decided when Vincent gets older I am going to back to school for Journalism. It is what I have always wanted to do and intend on taking it on to one day acheive my goal which is to write for rolling STone Magazine. I cut off most of my hair and am growing it back as we speak. I am going to keep it black and keep my bangs I have come quite accustomed to the style. Once I have it back to one length I intend to pretty much never cut it again except for an occassional trim. Reason being I have musch more to concern myself with a kid coming and all and school to fiddle with my hair so long and straight so shall it be.
I am going to work very hard at getting my own place. Staying with the parents has been a luxury but with the kid coming and now being 27 it is long overdue that I move on for good.
I shall keep my hobbies but I am going to try my hardest to be a good parent and a good provider. I have also come to the conclusion that I now need to try more then over to control my need for Social Outburst and acceptance, If people dont like who I am they can stick it.
I have come to be quite happy with who I am and the person I am going to evolve into. I have a great suppost system and great friends and I figure what more can a person ask for?? I have no idea, I do know that I need to do is start writing again hardcore which I have also been doing alot lately. Expressing my feelings on the computer screen and I am so glad I have found out how to get back on here because I believe it will sincerely help me to express myself. All is well though in Hell as some will say. I prefer to just call the world my ongoing Black Hole and one day shall forever be solemnly alone to practice Wicca, raise my son and self destruct in peace. Just kidding although some time from society to regain my thoughts and my sanity would be nice. Maybe I will finally be able to over come alot of the insecurities and co dependent tendencies I possess to do that in the near future. Who Knows.

A lot has been happening in my life lately. I haven't been on here because I am so busy lately, so here goes. I went to the docter on Wednesday and found out that I was pregnant! I am know 7 weeks and 1 day along today!! I cant believe it!! I am going to have to make alot of changes in my life to be happy but I am coming to the realization more and more that change is ok. See I am BiPolar and I hate change. It is something that I fear and dread, but now that I think about it, I am going to be bringing a human life into this world that I am going to be watching grow and change righbt in front of my very own eyes.
A life that I will have created will be changing into a person, a human being instead of an embryo in the next few months so I guess my point is that maybe this is a good time to accept change and realize that no matter what it is inevidable. I woke up to a great song this morning too, a great way to wake up this morning I say. A song by the Cure called "Friday, I'm In Love." A great song about every day. And how every day Robert Smith, Changes his emotions, I am just babbling now I am sorry. I guess I just woke up on the right sode of the bed even though it is Five Twenty Four am. *Giggle* Well Time To Go To WOrk. Oh YEah and any one who isn't familiar woth that song, here ya go!!

I don't care if monday's blue
Tuesday's grey and wednesday too
Thursday i don't care about you
It's friday i'm in love
Monday you can fall apart
Tuesday wednesday break my heart
Thursday doesn't even start
It's friday i'm in love

Saturday wait
And sunday always comes too late
But friday never hesitate...

I don't care if monday's black
Tuesday wednesday heart attack
Thursday never looking back
It's friday i'm in love

Monday you can hold your head
Tuesday wednesday stay in bed
Or thursday watch the walls instead
It's friday i'm in love

Saturday wait
And sunday always comes too late
But friday never hesitate...

Dressed up to the eyes
It's a wonderful surprise
To see your shoes and your spirits rise
Throwing out your frown
And just smiling at the sound
And as sleek as a shriek
Spinning round and round
Always take a big bite
It's such a gorgeous sight
To see you eat in the middle of the night
You can never get enough
Enough of this stuff
It's friday
I'm in love

So my body has not been feeling like it self lately. It all of a sudden just started feeling different. Everything was different. So I decided to take a giant leap today. I bought a pregnancy test and I took one and It came back positive. My whole life flashed before my eyes. My fun is over. My Drunken nights of Debauchery and Sex and body modification must now come to a close. Of course in reality they have been closed for a year so it really isnt that big of a deal. So what now. Well,this was my first idea. I take another test tomorrow morning when I wake up. When that one comes back then I will really decide whether or not panicking is in order, I think more then anything I am, kind of irritated that this is going to have to be done all on my own. Reason being the father is pretty much a nobody with his own shit to deal with. Well all and all, right now all I can do is wait till tomorrow. So The Winds of Change are approaching, which way they shall blow right now is totally unknown to me.

Well I woke up after the night that I was bored and to say the least I am a bit more alive and ok with being seen by everyone I know. Everyone left the photo shoot last night and there were five left whom stuck around for a little tea party lack of another word and it was exactly what I needed to regain my strength and realize it is ok to be a shut in every once in a while. Well it is good to know that I wasnt completely invisible that night that is for sure.

I have not been on here in forever due to my password constantly being lost and not found. But I finally recovered it so here I am. I am at a photo shoot for a few friends and needless to say I am utterly and disgustingly bored. Me bored at a photo shoot. I know, scary isnt it.
It is just I am trying so hard to be happy with my place right now and needless to say I dont really know or care about anything at the moment.
First off it is a Christmas photo shoot. I admit it. I hate christmas. HATE IT. I am a scrooge and sorry to say I was brought up that way by my mother actually which really is kind of upsetting to alot of people, especially my father.
He was raised on the east side of the country till the grand old age of like 26 and I dont think he ever saw one Christmas without snow until he came to move to Arizona and met my mother.
So I am sitting here watching this photo shoot take place, with really no interest what so ever and I feel bad.
I was supposed to bring another friend and couldnt because I have absolutely no gas and to say the least I would be much happier If I were with him right now too. Even though I dont know if that would actually help the situation at all, I dont know. I am just sitting here rambling at the moment, trying to feel better about the whole thing but I am just more emberassed to be here.
For a first journal entry after over two months this is pretty pathetic but this entry will make total sense to me tomorrow, which I think is all that really matters. Well TA TA for now.

Well My Surgery was last Thursday and needless to say i am very ahppy with the results that have come from it. I only made it to work one day today but it was a good heads up for howI need to pace myself before jumping back in a hundred miles an hour.
The wounds have almost completely healed an d I am hoping the scarring is not going to be that bad

Well My apologies to all my friends. I haven't been on here in a while. I have had some personal issues going on. Including the physical exhaustion due to work and school at the same time. My last week at the computer institute is next friday and it is going to be nice to get a break from all the stress before my surgery which is on the 6th of September. Well I have been informed that the success rate for the surgery is very high. So I am looking forward to getting it over with and just moving on with my life. Hopefully The HPV and Cancer Cells that have been found can be removed with the new lazer tactics that have been developed in the last six years. One can only hope. Work at Ulta is going great, I am not sure that a secretarial position is the best route for me and I aiming back towards the possible direction of medicine. Right now it is up in the air. I am just happy I have a job at all which I have become quite successful at. ULTA has really opened my eyes and educated me more on make up and skin care industry then I could have ever imagined possible. I have even discovered a cover Up Concealer Make up which I would like to invest in soon myself that covers up tattoos completely. Granted I love my ink, but it would be nice to be able to do a nude shoot seeing what I would like with just my bare skin, and no disfigurements, not even ink, just my battle scars from wounds I have endured due to growing up and making it this far in life. Which I will tell you has been quite a challenge. That is all I can think about thus far at the moment to discuss with all of you. In the near future I think I will be on here alot more, to decrease my level of stress I have unfortunately come to aquire recently due to full- time work and part-time school.

Disaster being I had to wake up at four thirty am this morning to be at work in Scottsdale at 6 to unload the Seven Palets or pretty much big loads of Make-Up left by our truck this morning. Usually the boys do it, but they were in Mexico this weekend partying it up with their women so the pretty Ulta ladies had to do it ourselves. Just Imagine around Twenty boxes filled with Make-Up. Everythbing from Revlon to Urban Decay to Bare Minerals to Cover Girl. Every Mascara, Lip-Liner, Eye-liner, LipStick, Lip-Gloss, and Compact having to go out. Pulled out of their INDIVIDUAL BOXES!! Having to go out to the floor straight after being sorted ofcourse. Doesnt sound like much, I suggest you try it for yourself and you will see what I mean. I am starting to despise women and the beauty industry. Complaining of old stock being pulled off the shelves and the new stock not being close enough in color to replace it. Making you dig through boxes to find that one SPF 75 Neutrogena Sun block they know has been out of stock for six months. I have not felt this dead in weeks!! Not since the Coffee SHop that is for sure. Now is the time to get some rest. Nighty Nite!!

-Nicola

I have Bi-Polar Disorder as you alot of my friends know. Well as of yesterday June 18 2007, for the time being and hopefully permanently my life with Lithium Carbonate in my body has come to an end. Several months ago My Life has become quite hectic and taking my medicines all the time was to say the least kind of a chore..So I gave up. Around I would say three possibly four months now I have been occassionally popping a pill Lithium, Lamictal, what have you. As of a week ago I started showing weird sighns of Flu symptoms. Being the hypochondriac that I am automatically assuming AIDS or Cancer I go to the doctor, get tested, nothing comes back irregular.
My symtoms continue to worsten and become furthermore quite odd. Dehydration, violent shaking, dizziness, vomitting up WATER, I research after spending the entire weekend bed ridden in my best friiends bed and find My Body is Toxified on Lithium. I go to my doctor who comes to the conclusion Lithium has done its job for me and at the time being is no longert neccessary in my life. My bi-polar is no where near over, never will be, but this is definitely a positive note to hear.

And with this entry I would like to end it with the Lyrics to a song alot of you might recognize. This song has new meaning to me now.
-Nicola



Nirvana
Lithium


Im so happy cause today
Ive found my friends ...
Theyre in my head
Im so ugly, but thats okay, cause so are you ...
Weve broken our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care ...
And Im not scared
Light my candles, in a daze
cause Ive found god
Yeah (x6)

Im so lonely but thats okay, I shaved my head ...
And Im not sad
And just maybe Im to blame for all Ive heard ...
But Im not sure
Im so excited, I cant wait to meet you there ...
But I dont care
Im so horny, but thats okay ...
My will is good
Yeah(x6)

(x2)
I like it - Im not gonna crack
I miss you - Im not gonna crack
I love you - Im not gonna crack
I killed you - Im not gonna crack

Im so happy cause today
Ive found my friends ...
Theyre in my head
Im so ugly, but thats okay, cause so are you ...
Weve broken our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care ...
And Im not scared
Light my candles in a daze ...
cause Ive found god
Yeah, yeah, yeah(x2)

(x2)
I like it - Im not gonna crack
I miss you - Im not gonna crack
I love you - Im not gonna crack
I killed you - Im not gonna crack

Well after a nice , well deserved, i would like to think, 5 day break from working @ My new job Ulta Cosmetics, I return to work tomorrow and I am excited and looking forward to it, some weird stomach flu had completely knocked me on my ass for around 48 hrs, and yet I also was drained from family stress..

So I got to spend 4 nights and 3 days in a row away from home. Well needed and deserved, I bunked up at Justin's pad for that time and to say the least I not only looked forward to coming home today which for me is a rarity. I was happy to see my bed, my dogs, my computer, my NIKON NS60.

Justin, my best friend, like all of us has his quirks, but for the most part he lives a quiet solitary life that I have got to witness this past week, and i must say I admire him for it, it is a life I would like to enjoy for myself. One day......

NICOLA (1)
Gender: Masculine

Usage: Italian

Italian form of NICHOLAS




NICOLA (2)
Gender: Feminine

Usage: English

Latinate feminine form of NICHOLAS








Nicola

Origin meaning

Greek Form of NICHOLAS. Victory of the People




NICHOLAS
Gender: Masculine

Usage: English, French

Pronounced: NI-ko-las (English), nee-ko-LA (French) [key]

From the Greek name Νικολαος (Nikolaos) which meant "victory of the people" from Greek νικη (nike) "victory" and λαος (laos) "people". Saint Nicholas was a 4th-century bishop from Anatolia who, according to legend, saved the daughters of a poor man from lives of prostitution. He is also known as Santa Claus (from Dutch Sinterklaas), the bringer of Christmas presents. He is the patron saint of children, sailors and merchants, and Greece and Russia. Nicholas was also the name of two czars of Russia and five popes.


Nicola is an ancient (but still very common) Italian male personal name (from the Greek and Byzantine Nikolaos) derived from Nichos meaning "victory," and laos meaning "people," therefore implying the meaning "winner of the people." The English form of the same name is Nicholas.

Nicola was a frequently given male personal name among the traditional Italian nobility, and was used often in the Middle Ages. In the UK and Germany the male form Nicola has been used as a female name, which originally came from incorrectly presuming the name's vowel ending 'a' was the female form, as has also occurred with the male given name Andrea (also an Italian male personal name from the Greek meaning 'manly.') The proper female form of Nicola in Italian is Nicoletta. An excellent reference for the name form and biblical history is The Golden Legend or Lives of the Saints. Compiled by Jacobus de Voragine, Archbishop of Genoa, 1275. First Edition Published 1470.

Well it started around Mon. I lost a meal, I enjoyed it , ignored it my condition that is and went to work, kept pushing myself to the limit as usual, it is now Thursday afternoon I am feeling even worse, all week, dizziness, fainting, loss of appetite, insomnia, uncontrollable stomach activity, terrible stomach pains. I finally decided to cave and made an appointment with the doctor today at 6pm. Maybe when I go there she can give me some real answers on this Flu type thing that has been dragging me down all week.

This is a short summary of my life it should pretty much explain it all, the last six years will be compiled on My My Space if you would like to read that.

I know I have said it a thousand times over. This time it is for Keeps. And I am going to tell you why.

This is the story as far back as I can remember. Went to grade school, the quiet nerd, mistreated, made fun of yadda-yadda. Always got to wear the hand me downs, subjected to Catholic School which I hated. Junior High, My depression begins. I start writing about Death, accidents, the world as I view it, which ofcourse was always very dark and demented as well as perverted. I threatened to kill a classmate who pissed me off, her name was Jodi. I didnt OFCOURSE and she forced me to our grade school therapist for a one on one session which just led me to further hate her. My best friend since the second grade, Leena Mehta comes down with a terrible asthma attck, she had had severe asthma since birth,it never improved, and she never recovered and dies. Mind you we were also fighting when she died. We were getting older and we were drifting and neither of us were happy with the route the other was taking, friends, actions, etc. I NEVER GOT TO APOLOGIZE. My biggest depression hits for the first time, after her death. I cut my wrist with a razor and tell no one. i simply figured it would help and it did for the moment, then I move on.

I graduate from Junior High and go to highschool. Here ofcourse I fall in with the Druggies, the thespians,the gutter punks and goths, pretty much the hardcore fuck ups, I start doing every drug you can imagine, simply because if I didnt I thought I would die or something like that. I figured it would make me comfortable and it did for a few years. I start writing heavily, more graphic then ever before. Now mind you I have been writing poetry since about the age of 12, won first place in seventh grade for a poem I wrote, Titled I lay awake Thoughts Of The Homeless. First Place For poetry in the state of Az as far as Elementary. A high honor....I thought nothing of it.


Junior year I become heavily sexually active, DANGEROUSLY. Senior year I contract a new strain of Mono never seen by my doctors, they even questioned AIDS. thank GOD they were wrong. I am sick for 10 months, needed a surgery in order to recover. I was doing different kinds of Dope the whole time, didnt care and this pattern evolved.

I am sent to the highscool Drug therapist, sadly we had one, who claims I am clinically insane, I should see a Psychiatrist, possibly be hospitalized, and that I am a danger to my peers and my teachers as well as myself. Furthermore I get kicked out of highschool. I still got my Diploma through one of the local alternative schools.

I go through three drug rehabs with no success, I get pregnant at age 19 get an abortion because the father was insane. Continue using drugs, I start attending AA regularly, I started at 18. I get my first tattoo at 18 as well, a butterfly on my pelvis, the pain was exhilerating, comforting, sexually arousing and brought me to peace with the world around me probably why I have so many now because the needle is comforting and simplicity for me. Hence why I have a collection of body piercings and adore corsetry piercing as well. Makes sense. Finally 19 years old I am diagnosed with depression. They give me evry drug under the sun nothing works, except Lithium which my mother was against, they decided to put me on it anyway since I was 19 and signed the waiver. I AM STABLE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE. The Cocktail as they like to call it, which I still take today is Lithium, Welbutrin, Lamictal, and Trazedone. Here is the final census...I am diagnosed SEVER BI-POLAR with extreme highs and extreme lows,the most Rapid-Cycler they have ever seen in the Psychiatric Dept of Az as well as High suicidal tendencies and a moderate Personality Disorder. Meaning I will pretty much never know completely who I am. As far as I can figure who does though these days?? I know I am stable, I am happy, I have friends and family who love me. This is where I will come to a close with this for now, If you wish to continue find me on My Space , I will continue this story there. Pretty much at the moment are you getting the idea??



-Nicola

Suddenly with the help of a certain bunny, today I have come to the realization. i judge my opinion of others on their past that they have with other people and compare it to my own. And if there are similarities that make their past resemble my past which I hate, I instantly hate them.
Meaning, for example: I screw, Joe Blow, I have a bad falling out with Joe Blow, therefore I hate joe blow. Say you are some random individual I meet and you have a bad past with Joe Blow too, therefore I officially instantly hate you.
Stupid, and immature are the only words I can think of. I dont want to be like this I have like so many of Joe Blows lovers or could be lovers that I should probably apologize too whom havent even blown joe yet because I havent let them.
IK think the conclusion of all this blow joe talk is that. I need to accept everyone has a past, some better then others. But I can not hate someone before I have even met them because they like someone I like, or they have had an affair I have had, or did the drugs I did, or go to the same artist, or get tied up the same way. What have you.
If anything it just means that I have that much more in common with that person. Therefore if anything we can become the best of friends, well maybe not but if anything have something to at least start a conversation about. I am FARRRRRR from a VIRGIN, so are most of my friends. And you know what, that is ok. I like the way my life is turning out, I like who I am turning into who ever she is. I need to continue on this path of realization, not be so stubborn, jealous, or hateful because of things I have no control over. Stop being so concerned with other people and start being concerned with myself. It may save me a lot of misery and heart ache to help improve my future and prevent an even more painful past. All in all the past is behind, REMEMBER IT HAPPENED, learn from it and leave it there. That goes for everyone you know too. I am going to take my own advice.

I apologize guys this is probably gonna go on for about four or five entries , it is just this show allowed me to make it through my teen years, it allowed me to se that I was SO NOT ALONE and that tyhey were other people out there who felt like me.

This is an episode called the letter Jordan asks Brian Krackow to rewrite a letter, love letter to Angela because he cant say what he knows SHOULD be said. Not knowing that Brian has been in love with Angela since first sight in grade school.
This is the actual letter...








This is Angelas Response to the letter:


Sadly as you can already guess this happenened to me too..The guy who wanted the letter proofread was named Mike....The Guy who proofread the letter was named Brandon. Actually it was an identical situation. It's funny now that I recall it is almost like I wrote this screenplay to this whole show. I WISH I HAD.

Every one I think has a cartoon or a movie or a television show that they watch when they are younger. Whether it be childhood or adolescent. Mine was a show entitled My So -Called Life. it introduced Claire danes to the world. I remember watching it while drinking, getting high, laughing at parties, it was even on in the background during what was technically MY FIRST TIME.

I was just dicking around on You Tube and found some of the bet moments ever recorded on the show and I thought I would like to share a bit of this past with some of you, after running in to someone from my past several years ago who got to see me through this period of my life I try to forget first hand, I guess the point of all of this is sometimes the past doesnt come back to haunt us, it comes back to remind us that it happened. I would like to thank a Brittany Whom I ran across Mill AVe this last Cinco De Mayo with my best friend Justin for doing that. You opened my eyes, even though, I REGRET, I shall not FORGET.



XoXo

PiXiE

I would like to present to you the opening credits of MY SO CALLED LIFE...




This is one of the greatest scenes ever.... This is the scene where Jordan decides to follow his heart and not the opinion of his friends...

Well I did it!! I got up the courage and pierced my nipples today!! I am so proud!! And I love them!! Every one said it would hurt, it would feel good, I wouldnt like it, I would. It actually tickled!! Celeste came with me and waas such a great help!! Thank you Celeste!! I also finally got to meet the infamous Kelsey who did my piercings!! She said I did excellent, and said that a certain electric would know better then to abuse them till the right time comes!! Just kidding!!

They are quite a bit tender and sore for the moment so I am going to wear as little as possible to let them breathe.

I will be at black coffee tonite for all my familiar face friends that are on here!! So if you would lime to see tyhem just let me know and I shall pull you aside and give you the privilege of seeing my beautomous pierced body!! Much love and kisses!!


~nicola~